Trust
LEARNING TO REGAIN THE
ABILITY TO TRUST AGAIN
It is important to know that one is not born with this deficiency –
same as self confidence, but situations, conditions and happenings
from then gauge our reaction and caution to towards others. Is it
just being wary – once caught twice shy – how well do you really
know yourself and who you are?
Lack of Trust – how
does it start?
When caretakers are untrustworthy, children develop a deep sense of
distrust – so the child must be on guard and in control.
“If I control everything no one can catch me off guard and hurt me”
(a sort of addiction)
Therefore, can be difficult in delegating authority due to –
1. Not trusting others to do the jobs
2. Being uncomfortable unless he or she controls all outcomes
3. Can cause a severe
relationship difficulty, as intimacy demands each partner accepts
the way he or she is. Remember too there is a difference between
issues and subjects.
One either gives up control and trusts in a gullible or naïve way
OR withdraws to ISOLATION and LONELINESS, building protective walls
that allow no one in.
That person that has never learnt to trust confuses –
Intensity with Intimacy
Obsession with Care
Control with Security
RATIONALIZATION
ACTING-OUT ACTING-IN BEHAVIOURS
The primary motivating force in our lives is EMOTION – the fuel that
moves us to defend ourselves – with anger we protect and fight for
our rights.
The most important first step is to help your wounded inner child
grieve its unmet developmental needs. The unmet needs are unresolved
because they have never been grieved. The emotions that needed to be
expressed were never expressed in the sort of nature’s way that was
intended. Thus the adult “child” tries to get them expressed in the
only way he knows how – so you are letting an emotionally starved
child run your life.
The following may seem a digression but I think it is important for
those who have not studied psychotherapy to know themselves a little
better.
WHAT ARE THE SIX BASIC EMOTIONS?
ANGER, FEAR/SADNESS, INTEREST, DISTRESS, ENJOYMENT AND SURPRISE.
IS THE BELIEF THAT REASON IS SUPREME and that “being emotional is
less than human?”
REPRESSION AND SHAMING OF THE EMOTIONS HAS BEEN THE ROLE IN MOST
WESTERN FAMILIES.
SINCE EMOTIONS ARE ENERGY THEY CLAMOR TO BE EXPRESSED.
Examples -
Dissociation – “I don’t remember”
Denial – “it is not really happening”
Repression – “it never happened”
Conversion – “when I feel it happening”
Projection – “it is happening to you, not me”
Minimizing – “it’s happening, but no big deal”
Displacement – an emotion that is repressed when first experienced
is later expressed in connection with something unrelated.
These are all classed as Defense Mechanisms that are thought
to help overcome anxiety and inner conflict and work subconsciously.
We know tensing muscles
can numb an emotion and all of us have done this at some time.
Shallow breathing is a common way to avoid emotional pain. Have you
not seen someone (maybe a young child) holding one’s breath? Hence,
reliefs of tension by deep, slow relaxed yoga style breathing along
with dealing with the cause/effect are common in psychotherapy.
You can’t heal what you can’t feel!
As you experience the old feeling and let yourself be there for your
inner child the healing more naturally takes place in its time
(please be patient to let it happen).
Be aware as a grown up –
You can learn to take care of the “little you” inside yourself.
Everyone “perceptualizes” (the power of perception), but not
everyone “sees” i.e., we are wired up in certain ways that some are
more visual, others are auditory and many are kinesthetic (they just
feel).
Common are relationship issues involving closeness, intimacy and
frequently blaming with distorted perceptions that accompany the
break up, separation, and divorce etc.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY – JUST
PERCEPTION – have a think about this!
I believe that, does it make sense to you?
It really amazes me at meetings or ordinary small talk, reporting by
the popular press and TV talk programs just how people’s perceptions
frequently seem to be so way out, yet indirectly they contribute
towards inaccurate popular belief.
*WHEN GOING INTO A NEW
RELATIONSHIP ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE BEEN HURT BEFORE – the
“nitty-gritty” -
It is really a function
of how much you have confidence in yourself to deal and accept with
the imperfection of the other – he or she does not have to be
perfect. In other words creating the inner message “I have enough
faith and strength in my character to handle it, even if that person
turns out to be a gold digger or a snake.”
If you have perceived this correctly it means how
much trust you have in the prospective partner has nothing to do
with them – all to do with you. Just be aware of your alertness
although exaggerated suspicion is like a paranoia and likely to lead
to negative outcome. The overall belief you may have is that “I am
not going to invest more in this relationship than I can afford to
lose – I have faced it and lived through it before and can now.”
You may not agree with me and I respect anyone’s beliefs but I think
support groups for either men or women can at times defeat their
original purpose and the myths can be perpetuated. An example is the
alimony, maintenance situation and the tendency of the court system
to favor women. I have no fixed belief as each case is judged on its
merits, but think there is a long way to go by way of improvement to
the court, counseling, and mediation systems and methods.
My point is that you are virtually on your own – select the
applicable advice from others but do take utmost responsibility for
you life and welfare. You may be a perfectionist in your work but
please not in your relationships and person-to-person interaction.
Humbleness is a virtue.
There are many times when one-to-one counseling can work, but
usually when couple reach therapy it has gone too far downhill and
the introduction of a third person can have the same negative effect
as bringing a family member into the relationship – can you relate
to my remarks?
John
-
FINAL NOTE – I
BELIEVE THE SUCCESS OF A RELATIONSHIP IS DETERMINED BEFORE TYING
THE KNOT – Certainly was in my case despite the 35 years
together and a lot of harmony in between. The underlying issue
determined by both church and society in 1959 was suppressed but
never went away.
HOW CAN I HELP CLIENTS –
There is no miracle formula anyone can provide – it is one issue
where there is more counseling than actual hypnosis – as with all
else combining relaxation therapy along with talking it out
involving cognitive therapy can work.