Self
Esteem and Motivation
WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM?
IT IS MORE THAN JUST A FEELING OF SELF
WORTH – IT IS A FUNDAMENTAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ONESELF.
It’s knowing that you are lovable
or OK as you are and always, regardless of ups and downs,
circumstances and happenings. I wonder if you have a problem
with that word “lovable”?
Whether you make a mistake or not
do it properly, or if your behavior is, at the time not so
good (one can always apologize or make amends without the
need to feel the largely negative emotion of guilt) you
maintain that feeling of Okay-ness. Even if you are
not on the right track it is the feeling of “I can get back
there!” and keep up a feeling of humility yet retaining
self-confidence and, not put yourself down.
It is not uncommon for us to have
misconceptions about self-esteem, usually just to do with
our thinking. When we function largely on the opinions of
others, or our perception of other people’s expectations,
then we are not being ourselves. You don’t have to live up
to other’s expectations, and they don’t have to live up to
yours. What we need to do is to eliminate our self-talk and
to eliminate all the negative things we think. This is where
I come in, especially with hypnosis and inner subconscious
healing, when you are caught up in a mode of inner conflict
and not able to go forward.
Do you know that lovability is something
you have, and it is always there no matter what? Once you
realize this, an enormous load is lifted off your mind
because you now don’t have to perform, you don’t have to do
anything, just being yourself is enough. It just is.
It’s a quit feeling of being OK. You
don’t have to demonstrate it, you don’t have to prove it or
tell anyone about it, you don’t have to earn it. We have
always owned it, it is automatically ours, and it cannot be
any other way.
It’s there and when we think about it, we
are aware of a profound quietness – there is a reverence
involved here. It may be difficult to put into words and
seem spiritual, as our language doesn’t really normally
express this kind of feeling.
What is humility? It is not a quiet
put-down as many would think but just a quiet Okay-ness,
that shows as a calm aura of self-worth. When others
disapprove and they have a right to do so, but it doesn’t
stop you from feeling OK, and the reverse can apply. When
someone sees things differently, I like to give some thought
to their point of view, as it could be better than mine. It
is so dogmatic to have absolute faith in your own judgment,
like “my point is the right one!”
Because of their special qualities others
may perform better or different, but there should really be
no envy of others due to the fact that we all have our own
special capabilities and potentialities.
You don’t have to explain yourself to
others and they don’t have to explain themselves to you –
what is right for them is right for them and what is right
for you is right for you.
Don’t be put off by the utter simplicity
of it all!
Most of the problems we have in life
arise from the failure to know and respect our own and
other’s lovability.
COMPARING OURSELVES WITH OTHERS
In our society we have been compared and
competed with, measured and examined, all our lives. We have
the illusion that that this measurement is an indication of
our Okay-ness – so it can lead to an endless treadmill of
self-assessment that has nothing to do with our self worth.
We really are just as loveable whether tall, short, fat or
thin, dark or fair or whatever facet of our physical
appearance - simply just a statistical fact
A good test would be if someone asked at
any gathering – “please stand up anyone completely happy
about his or her own body image”. Would you automatically
stand without hesitation or giving it conscious thought?
CULTURAL INFLUENCES
AS WE KNOW PHYSICAL BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE
OF THE BEHOLDER, despite each culture having its own ides of
what constitutes physical beauty. As long as you believe you
have to live up to some else’s standards, then of course you
will be worried about appearance. Is it that we have tied
the two together because we have been trained to believe
that approval by other people is important.
CAN YOUR LOVABILITY BE GIVEN OR TAKEN
AWAY?
The belief in other people having the
power to make them feel good or bad is one of the greatest
problems in their lives – if unable to feel OK and needing
people to confirm it really means giving over your power to
others.
Are you comfortable about RECEIVING
PRAISE?
People often criticize or praise others.
When people have built their lives on the allusion that
lovability can be given or taken away, this opinion will
affect how they feel about themselves. They will find
themselves feeling almost helpless and powerless about
themselves, even in the face of praise. The key word is the
way we RESPOND and not become crippled by a fluctuating
sense of lovability.
ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOR
SO MANY FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE A
PERSON’S LOVABILITY IS NOT DECIDED BY THEIR ACTIONS.
You are not your behavior. You real,
innate nature is pure, it is not something you have to
strive for, and it’s what you truly are. There are times
when your behavior may not be OK, but you and everyone else
are OK. If this seems hard to follow, I welcome any easier
way to put it.
OUR EARLIER NEGATIVE CONDITIONING
IS IT THAT WE CONTINUE TO SEE THE PERSON
WE THINK WE ARE, RATHER THAN A REAL GLIMPSE OF THE INNER
SELF?
Perhaps it was impossible to avoid our
very early (often negative) conditioning – but we cannot
blame our parents (or those significant well-meaning people
in our lives and environment) who were doing what they
thought was right at the time. As this conditioning began at
such an early age that we don’t have memories of our inner
nature. We were born with confidence by calling for our
tucker and the early stages when mastered did not need our
parent’s help like walking, running, or riding a bike. We
can be forgiven for believing that, having been born so
wonderful and beautiful – what happened? In modern times
lots of messages come from T.V and radio as well as those in
authority. Even restrictions placed upon us by early
upbringing can be a source of fear, anxiety and low
self-esteem through life. Let that lovability be intact and
strong underneath it all.
If we lose touch with it we tend to look
at our faults and failures, and to cover up in our outer
persona. Basically we are a three-in-one being –
The front we show to others is what we
want them to think we are from all our experience, training
and conditioning.
Below is the person we think we are
Inside is the real person, special and
wonderful
With this re-training process as I’m
showing is that you can learn to get in touch with this
essential identity and regain good SELF-ESTEEM, our behavior
comes from a new belief in ourselves and act it out in a
positive and confident way. IN OTHER WORDS TO GET AWAY FROM
BEING SO FAMILIAR WITH NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR.
DO YOU JUDGE AND BLAME YOURSELF AND
OTHERS?
People tend to act by how they feel about
themselves. Ask yourself how you treat yourself and others
when you feel good about yourself. My guess is that you
treat people well. It is often said that only people who are
hurting inside treat others badly. When you are afraid,
angry, feeling rejected, put down, a failure, threatened by
someone, then you will probably behave badly. Behavior, even
extreme behavior is separate and changeable; the inner self
is always OK.
Despite all that has been said does not
remove the responsibility for our own behavior – it only
means that behavior does not reflect our inner self worth.
Self-esteem is a fundamental connection
with an unshakeable knowledge of this inner worth, and
produces positive behavior and a positive response to other
people’s behavior.
PEOPLE WITH SELF-ESTEEM
Many people through positive parenting
and by taking responsibility, for whom they are, achieve
true self-esteem. It shows in their everyday lives. They
would feel good most of the time, and feel confident they
can achieve what they set out to do, most of the time.
My advice is to develop a vision of what
you really want in life, not to impress anyone else, just to
do what they believe is important to them.
The vision could change from time to time
as circumstances change and as they develop and expand their
awareness of what is possible for them. As one feels more
successful, they see the occasion of failure as an
experience to learn from. It may be that the project is not
worth doing or perhaps it can be done more effectively. They
don’t have a compulsion to succeed at all costs – help and
guidance can be sought from others if asked for, or with
teamwork. With that good feeling you can undertake, without
fear, projects that could fail.
Along with many of the great inventors
they know that they can fail many times and not be a
failure. It means a preference for performing better,
feeling good about their successes, and learning as they go.
Quite often adversity is necessary to release the inner
reserves of strength within themselves and everyone else.
Just to have this vision of what you want and persevere and
achieve does not mean special talent or intellect, just the
courage of your conviction.
Those with good self-esteem just
naturally give out to others the same esteem and acceptance
as they have for themselves. It would be totally out
of character to take unfair advantage of, or act
aggressively to other people – their actions being
unselfish, outgoing and generous.
They give praise and appreciation where
appropriate and generally create happy relations with
friends and family, helping others to feel good about them.
On rare occasions when they have negative
reactions from others they do not feel bad or rejected. They
realize that people who are critical or judgmental are
reflecting their inner conflict and pain and should be
understood accordingly. I avoid criticizing, judging,
labeling and blaming and listen for the inner voice if ever
such a thing happened. This response only generates further
negativity from others. Mind you, gentle constructive advice
can at times be acceptable.
THE GOLDEN RULE
The best way to good about myself is to
help other people to feel good about themselves, and
conversely: the best way to feel bad about myself is to
criticize and judge and blame!
OTHER POINTERS
When we realize that everyone is unique
and avoid comparing ourselves with others (their apparent
strengths and OUR PERCEIVED weaknesses) then we are on the
right pathway.
People with self-esteem never put
themselves down and feel free to express joy and anguish.
Problems do occur in everyone’s life – emotional reactions
are normal and natural and we accept this.
Where problems exist they take what
appropriate action necessary, including getting help with an
emphasis on solutions. They avoid the process of looking for
sympathy or finding someone to commiserate with them and
blame others.
Then why is it that most people cannot
behave so positively as the ones who have reached the level
as described?
The answer is simply that through many
fears, most people have learned otherwise. It is these fears
and learned reactions that have replaced natural self worth
in controlling their lives.
SELF ESTEEM – IS IT IMPLICATED OR
RESPONSIBLE FOR UNNECESSARY WEIGHT GAIN?
Lack of basic
self-esteem is at the root of many people’s weight problems,
along with functioning on the opinions of others. No doubt
the media and magazines have contributed negatively towards
the weight gain epidemic with all the “shoulds” and role
model images.
Change the internal picture, “see”
yourself as slim and your subconscious will cooperate rather
than sabotaging your efforts. It really is an inside-out
approach rather than the reverse. Change your mind and you
will change your weight.
Your body knows what it should or
shouldn’t eat and when to eat, but we have become so
insensitive to our bodies, that we don’t listen to what they
are telling us. We have lost sight of recognizing when we
are really hungry or when we are full.
How to go about changing this “internal
picture” is something I can help you with and my tape/CD
“Lose Weight” works on this methodology.
Would lack of self-esteem contribute to
the emotional hunger and the resultant gap within that seems
to crave to be overfilled with empty calorie food, but
people don’t binge on the apples, carrots, celery, beans
etc., and why is this so?
The reason is that your actions always
follow the path that leads you back to the mental image you
have of yourself as a fat person.
Traditional diets are based on denying
your body of food and that sounds logical to the conscious
mind, but not so, in my opinion. We are appealing to the
wrong court as the subconscious is programmed to ensure our
survival - so it has that protecting effect of ensuring that
we must eat or die so you can see the conflict within.
What is important to know is while you
are struggling to lose weight, your subconscious keeps to
trying to pull you back to the weight you are in your mind.
By punishing our bodies by restricting
food by will power and then expect them to cooperate, I
believe there are other ways of achieving more appropriate
results as outlined above.
By setting a goal and believing it
possible in realistic terms for your body type and get the
feeling you deserve to be slim is the prerequisite before
you can shed the kilograms permanently.
So really and truly the most important
part of the slimmer’s body is not the mouth, not the
stomach…. it’s the mind. Let the word willpower be replaced
by “desire” and “determination”
Please make constructive (or otherwise)
comments about my thoughts - I welcome them.