THE FIFTH IS
NOT AN R BUT YOU GUESSED IT -- BLAMING
RIPS THE GUTS OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS.
Blaming starts the cycle going again and again
All re-thinking goes back to this cycle. The best
teacher is usually the one in your own home (or
the one you encounter). The above cycle leads to a
distressing “silence treatment”. Love is really letting go
of fear. Do I choose to be a love finder or fault-finder.
Criticism rips the guts out of
society and relationships.
What we believe is often rubbish. Forgiveness is IT.
This is why thoughts and remarks, back-handers
etc. to each other become distorted, illogical, unfair and
unreasonable, in my opinion.
Always halt and
ask yourself “what is good about the other person” and this
can have amazing consequences when conflict has been going
on. It reduces the negatives and they become less powerful.
Think about
“what can I do to help this relationship”, and you could be
surprised by some of your answers.
When caught up
in the love-hate triangle one partner may become very
righteous and not do blaming while the other stays in the 3R
mode and spends a lot of time angrily blaming and then both
become very unhappy as a result. The righteous one probably
wants to hold on at any cost. Generally the blamer tells the
other to go and “fix yourself with counselling and then come
back”. I would question this rather false reasoning as both
need to work on their difficulties and responsibilities in
the relationship.
Isn’t it
strange when usually only one member wants to go for
guidance and the other will refuse or go once under
sufferance. I wonder if this situation will ever be
rectified. Mind you, when bringing another person in as
sounding board there has to be faith and a good rapport and
expectation of a satisfactory outcome and a feeling that
this helper understands. We all can learn to view things
differently.
If there is a
general feeling that the relationship has run its course and
when one has that touchy desire for independence, then it
may best be resolved by parting or trial separation. I
usually do the Luscher Color profile (Luscher 74 can take
up to 2 hours and more costly but worth it) with both and
this reveals a lot about each other’s needs, desires etc.
and I would hope be very helpful.
I think that
despite all that is said about relationship difficulties it
is almost always that one partner becomes unhappy in the
situation and starts making noises about “I want out”. This
would naturally lead to unhappiness in the other and then
variation of this triangle appears.
My way is a
lead into, or sounding board and arresting the complaining
and blaming and looking for the positives. Frequently they
are not hearing each other or the thoughts not
meeting in the right spot.
There is a lot
more in this field of conflict states such as environment,
attitude, response, negotiation and ways to modify the
behaviour of others. It has been said if we make a change in
ourselves the other person appears to change in which case
it can make a situation easier.
The contentious
issue of desperately wanting another to change
is something I prefer to discuss in the counselling session.
It is important for the counsellor to have both people
telling their story.
Assertiveness
(if properly handled) can reach an outcome where “I win, you
win” or “ I’m O.K, Your’e O.K. I respect me, I respect you”.
“Afraid” people
use fight or flight – both are based on fear. There are only
2 major emotions – love and fear. All others are traceable
to these two. Love is all encompassing and positive and fear
leads to all negative feelings.
Steps to
Negotiation
1 Recognize problem
2 State problem
3 Agree to
negotiate
4 Set stage and
place and time
5 Establish
goodwill. Reassure
6 Set aside
held hurt and anger
7 State and
explore wants
8 Explore
options
9 Decide
10 confirm
decision
CO-DEPENDENCE
Where each
person depend on the other to gratify their needs instead of
learning self gratification.
The relationship is based on deficit gratification.
The opposite is
mutual autonomous relationship in which each partner is able
to function well as a discrete personality, and they come
together because they want to rather than
because they need to.
Co-dependence
continues because the prospect of leaving is more daunting
than the discomfort of staying.
Boosting and
recognizing self-worth and improving self-esteem and
realizing that you are loveable can go a long way towards
inner healing and rebuilding following a break-up.
I have seen
many variations of listening techniques and “fighting fair”
but do think (and from experience) that in the distortion
phase where the thinking of both seems to be out of normal
reasoning then one would have difficulty practising these
healing and repairing methods.
My aim is to
make the persons feel better about themselves and improving
both their self-worth and lovability, thus making them
better able to cope and also to learn to trust the inner or
subconscious mind that it knows what you want for yourself.
We put the problem on the back-burner and let things stand
still for a time until a resolution is reached. Generally, a
lot of analysing and rationalizing doesn’t get us very far.
I like people to think of it as a project rather than a
problem.
WHEN YOU LISTEN:
CLEAR YOUR HEAD!
DON’T THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE SAYING, JUST TAKE
IT IN AND SEE HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL.
LISTEN FOR
1.What happened
(summarize) 2.How do they feel or what are they really
concerned about? 3.Observe non-verbal behaviour.
PARAPHRASE
·
Say back only what they said and how they feel!
·
Don’t add anything or make any suggestions or disagree with
what they said.
·
It is O.K to ask them questions if you didn’t understand.
·
Comment on non-verbal behaviour that is helpful.
I read many
books on separation, rebuilding etc., at a time when my life
fell apart due to break-up and where applicable quote from
“WHEN NIETZSCHE WEPT” PAGE253 – “it is better to break
wedlock than to be broken by it”. He was a contemporary and
colleague of both Freud and Breuer.
In December 1882 Nietzsche knew this and strangely his
marriage survived.