Relationships

WHEN THINGS BECOME IN DISHARMONY AND DISTORTION

THE FOUR R’S FOR UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIP AND INTERPERSONAL DIFFICULTIES AND COUNSELLING TECHNIQUES -  Key word is AWARENESS -becoming aware of what is going on so that something can be done.

                                       1. RESISTANCE

                                                                                           “My point of view is right”  /

                   3. REVENGE                              2. RESENTMENT
                  Ultimatum / Punishment

                                                                                                                                               

                                                                     4. RIGHTEOUSNESS

 

THE FIFTH IS NOT AN R BUT YOU GUESSED IT -- BLAMING RIPS THE GUTS OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS. Blaming starts the cycle going again and again All re-thinking goes back to this cycle. The best teacher is usually the one in your own home (or the one you encounter). The above cycle leads to a distressing “silence treatment”. Love is really letting go of fear. Do I choose to be a love finder or fault-finder. Criticism rips the guts out of

society and relationships. What we believe is often rubbish. Forgiveness is IT.

This is why thoughts and remarks, back-handers etc. to each other become distorted, illogical, unfair and unreasonable, in my opinion.

Always halt and ask yourself “what is good about the other person” and this can have amazing consequences when conflict has been going on. It reduces the negatives and they become less powerful.

Think about “what can I do to help this relationship”, and you could be surprised by some of your answers.

When caught up in the love-hate triangle one partner may become very righteous and not do blaming while the other stays in the 3R mode and spends a lot of time angrily blaming and then both become very unhappy as a result. The righteous one probably wants to hold on at any cost. Generally the blamer tells the other to go and “fix yourself with counselling and then come back”. I would question this rather false reasoning as both need to work on their difficulties and responsibilities in the relationship. 

Isn’t it strange when usually only one member wants to go for guidance and the other will refuse or go once under sufferance. I wonder if this situation will ever be rectified. Mind you, when bringing another person in as sounding board there has to be faith and a good rapport and expectation of a satisfactory outcome and a feeling that this helper understands. We all can learn to view things differently.

If there is a general feeling that the relationship has run its course and when one has that touchy desire for independence, then it may best be resolved by parting or trial separation. I usually do the Luscher Color profile (Luscher 74  can take up to 2 hours and more costly but worth it) with both and this reveals a lot about each other’s needs, desires etc. and I would hope be very helpful.

I think that despite all that is said about relationship difficulties it is almost always that one partner becomes unhappy in the situation and starts making noises about “I want out”. This would naturally lead to unhappiness in the other and then variation of this triangle appears.

My way is a lead into, or sounding board and arresting the complaining and blaming and looking for the positives. Frequently they are not hearing each other or the thoughts not meeting in the right spot.

There is a lot more in this field of conflict states such as environment, attitude, response, negotiation and ways to modify the behaviour of others. It has been said if we make a change in ourselves the other person appears to change in which case it can make a situation easier.

The contentious issue of desperately wanting another to change is something I prefer to discuss in the counselling session. It is important for the counsellor to have both people telling their story.

Assertiveness (if properly handled) can reach an outcome where “I win, you win” or “ I’m O.K, Your’e O.K. I respect me, I respect you”.

“Afraid” people use fight or flight – both are based on fear. There are only 2 major emotions – love and fear. All others are traceable to these two. Love is all encompassing and positive and fear leads to all negative feelings.

Steps to Negotiation

1 Recognize problem

2 State problem

3 Agree to negotiate

4 Set stage and place and time

5 Establish goodwill. Reassure

6 Set aside held hurt and anger

7 State and explore wants

8 Explore options

9 Decide

10 confirm decision

CO-DEPENDENCE

Where each person depend on the other to gratify their needs instead of learning self gratification. The relationship is based on deficit gratification.

The opposite is mutual autonomous relationship in which each partner is able to function well as a discrete personality, and they come together because they want to rather than because they need to.

Co-dependence continues because the prospect of leaving is more daunting than the discomfort of staying.

Boosting and recognizing self-worth and improving self-esteem and realizing that you are loveable can go a long way towards inner healing and rebuilding following a break-up.

I have seen many variations of listening techniques and “fighting fair” but do think (and from experience) that in the distortion phase where the thinking of both seems to be out of normal reasoning then one would have difficulty practising these healing and repairing methods.

My aim is to make the persons feel better about themselves and improving both their self-worth and lovability, thus making them better able to cope and also to learn to trust the inner or subconscious mind that it knows what you want for yourself. We put the problem on the back-burner and let things stand still for a time until a resolution is reached. Generally, a lot of analysing and rationalizing doesn’t get us very far. I like people to think of it as a project rather than a problem.

WHEN YOU LISTEN: CLEAR YOUR HEAD! DON’T THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE SAYING, JUST TAKE IT IN AND SEE HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL.

LISTEN FOR  1.What happened (summarize)  2.How do they feel or what are they really concerned about?  3.Observe non-verbal behaviour.

PARAPHRASE

·        Say back only what they said and how they feel!

·        Don’t add anything or make any suggestions or disagree with what they said.

·        It is O.K to ask them questions if you didn’t understand.

·        Comment on non-verbal behaviour that is helpful.

I read many books on separation, rebuilding etc., at a time when my life fell apart due to break-up and where applicable quote from “WHEN NIETZSCHE WEPT” PAGE253 – “it is better to break wedlock than to be broken by it”. He was a contemporary and colleague of both Freud and Breuer.

In December 1882 Nietzsche knew this and strangely his marriage survived.

E-Mail: John Bohn - HYPNOTHERAPIST

home