Conflicts,
feuds, misunderstandings,
holding on to grudges
All of these are bad energy whatever
way you look at it – so common
Can they be healed? Why does it have to
be this way? How ever does it all start to go so wrong?
I am endeavouring to give my viewpoint
from experience.
When it’s developed into a feud status
there’s no easy way to end these painful rifts
You may like to read my web pages on
both Relationships (especially stages of negotiation) and
Forgiveness in conjunction with these notes.
Beneath it all, I think most of us
would want to see a solution rather than just needing to
continually punish the other mostly by the silent
no-contact, no talk behaviour.
In other words does this negative
approach work for you as perpetrator – or is it very hard on
you to perpetuate a charade such as this? Of course it does
not create happiness in any shape of form.
Our bodily health (immune system) does
not need the emotional strain, anger, frustration,
resentment, resistance, searching for revenge or continual
blaming when there are always faults on both sides. There is
a dire need to be aware and recognize where you are at fault
– you cannot heal what you do not acknowledge. Generally
it’s much more an underlying issue than the surface blames
that comes out. Be mindful about what is a topic and what is
an issue – blame is just a topic open to question.
Is it better to be aware of your own
negative response or, lack of it in a satisfactory way? It
happens as well with highly trained people in the
counselling field that communication skills break down when
faced with excessive emotional charge, say with friends or
family. No one is perfect – we all have imperfections.
Can it be that you are perceptive
towards accepting the slightest olive branch offered by the
other and then respond to it? Often there are signs to be
picked that can lead to something very rewarding.
Family rifts rarely involve the
transgressions of just one person - in most disputes all of
the participants share some degree of blame.
As a therapist I am always amazed at
the distorted perceptions clients come up with that need to
be challenged – it leads me to wonder if there is any true
reality or is it always just your perception and response to
(mostly illogical) conclusions and beliefs?
Maybe you can force a connection – it
is generally thought that going out of our way to over-
rescue the other may lead to a negative outcome, perhaps an
offer of help if needed is okay and be patient for a reply
that may or may not come about. Quite often a gentle
suggestion goes a long way rather than a lengthy dialogue.
While two or more family members are
not speaking to each other, people still communicate through
others. In this roundabout way families can go a long way
before two people are again talking to each other. It is
common enough to have one family member willing to be
reasonable rather than the usual unproductive “taking
sides”. Taking sides is not good policy and yet again leads
to a negative outcome.
Have you sent a letter to the other
only for it to be ignored – such a common non-response?
While it may seem fruitless, continuining to write is not
harassing – in most cases the letter would be read, if not
kept. Down the track there may be a sentence or message that
melts the fury of the other. One example was a man who sent
his father a regular letter that was never acknowledged, yet
after a few years his wife had a baby that aroused desire
and inner need for his father to see and hold his only
grandchild. So it can and does happen, as in this case.
Certainly we want to reconnect when a part of our life has
been severed – is that what may be called “human nature”
Where it does not resolve then one does
need to do their own inner miracle of forgiveness as
described on the “healing hurts you don’t deserve” page.
Forgiveness rather than righteousness
is the easiest and best option, regardless of who thinks
they are right or wrong
The pain of family discord radiates
outwards, bringing unhappiness to siblings, parents, other
relatives and close friends.
Be open minded to when others can help
to heal. They may play an active part or sit as a mediator
to the two who are fighting. They can simply encourage the
healing.
Have you endeavoured to talk to the
other on neutral ground rather than at your place or their
place? This may be over a meal, snack, and cup of coffee or
going to a function that you know they would like. Yes, it
is an idea worth considering and hopefully they will agree
to the offer. Even a step outside your comfort zone to
attend a funeral and offer condolences when they are closely
involved with the deceased or similarly a graveside ceremony
at another time such as unveiling a gravestone. They are
suggestions that provoke your thoughts towards
reconciliation. People place such emphasis upon death and
dying of close ones and rightly so, at such an emotional
time. They may be more likely to be forgiving or lessen
their resistance. Rituals are a part of culture and more
common than we may think – not only the obvious ceremonies
such as marriage, baptism, funerals and anniversaries.
Does time heal or is it what we do in
that time? Certainly it’s the latter rather than expecting
miracles. The aim with family feud is not to resolve old
disagreements but to get some level of reconciliation. In
other words deal only with the current situation (the time
we need to feel ready to talk to each other), please don’t
bring up the past -that goal may be impossible to heal. The
past is the past and cannot be changed. So common in my
practice, if not the most common remark clients make, is
their difficulty to let go of past regrets and
disappointments, however they describe or phrase them.
Usually feuds among families seem to
have a beginning following death of a loved one where one
person has been left the lion’s share of the legacy despite
the well meaning intentions of the departed. It can be that
they feel one is favoured when it could just be a
misconception. Maybe the receiver feels justified in holding
on to the money and more in need than the other siblings. Is
there any answer when this person refuses to share part
thereof with others? Does it achieve any purpose in
contesting the will and resultant legal fees – in my
opinion, not at all?
There are just some things in life best
put down to experience and retaining a good positive self
worth and outlook that you are O.K and they are O.K? However
hard to swallow I would work towards feeling this “okay
ness” as there is nothing else I could do.
WHAT CAN HYPNOTHERAPY DO TO HELP?
I first may suggest as counsellors
often do for inner healing to write out your own story
(mostly feelings as they pop up) – it is not a story for
anyone else and be sure the other person does not see it –
yours and yours alone. The best way is just let it flow – no
worry about neatness, punctuation or grammar, even if
written in opposite hand the subconscious comes into play.
Look at it a few days later then consign it to the rubbish
bin in a thousand pieces saying “that was then, not now –
I’m now working towards my future in a more positive way”
In hypnosis I always work on releasing
the emotional energy from past regrets and happenings (the
negativities of guilt and shame) that have festered or have
been suppressed. While we cannot remove the memory - it
stays there in the memory bank, we can lessen the energy and
emotional power surrounding it. This results in a person
being more able to come to grips with the loss or grief and
would hopefully see things in a more favourable light,
rather than feeling a victim. In other words, it is
re-learning to cope better along with life coaching. As a
consequence, it really means the past has been put where it
belongs with metaphoric and imagery techniques such as
picturing closing the drawer or putting a lid on it.
Conversely, it is like seeing your own video in a more
favourable way. Other times we may encourage dialogue in a
hypnotic state where one can release emotional charge saying
to the other the words, messages not possible at the time.
Hypnosis is based on appropriate suggestion but what the
client has agreed to – I never make a suggestion that could
initiate a false memory. We agree on the affirmations needed
and the best way of making them effective. I have seen many
people gain much better peace of mind and lifestyle with my
way of “doctoring”
Having read this article would you
agree with these statements of mine – ARE THOSE TREATING
OTHERS BADLY REALLY JUST FEELING BAD IN THEMSELVES? IF WE
FEEL GOOD IN OURSELVES WE TREAT OTHERS WELL REGARDLESS OF
WHETHER WE APPROVE OF THEIR BEHAVIOUR OR NOT. DOES IT REALLY
HURT THAT BAD TO OCCASIONALLY EAT HUMBLE PIE?
THERE IS AN AMAZING POWER OF THE INNER
MIND WHEN WE LEARN TO TAP INTO IT AND THE POWER IS ALWAYS IN
THE NOW – THE ONLY MOMENT THAT EXISTS. IT REALLY MEANS
BRINGING THE CLIENT TO THE PRESENT WHERE THE NEED TO
FUNCTION MORE APPROPRIATELY IS PARAMOUNT.